Where Dwight Howard Really Wants to Sign During 2013 NBA Free Agency…

‘Strap’s belligerent athlete critic, Luca Lu, breaks down the Superman Sweepstakes, a party sure to be full of deceit and shame…

I want to start at the beginning, when Dwight Howard came to the Lakers last season because…

Courtesy of Google Images

Courtesy of Google Images

No, no, no… Dwight forced his way out of Orlando last season because the Magic weren’t going to win a championship and he didn’t want to live in Orlando anymore (right?). He was helpfully traded to the Lakers, forming what looked to be an UNSTOPPABLE dynasty. But after coach Mike Brown was fired 5 games into the season, people began getting hurt and the team faded into the abyss, barely qualifying for the playoffs (a lottery-pick-esque year for the established Lakers). So where does last year’s failure leave Dwight now?

I say it doesn’t matter. Dwight Howard will not win an NBA championship next season, the season after that, or any season soon unless he takes a paycut and signs with…that’s right…Miami. Miami is the only team that’s relevant in the NBA, the Thunder are good, the  Spurs are good, the Pacers and the Knicks are good, there are some other good teams too but nobody can touch the Heat.

Courtesy of Google images

Courtesy of Google images

I know you’re probably sitting on the other side of your computer screen saying, “But Lucas, the Spurs were up 3-2 on the Heat in the finals they could have, should have beat them!” NO. NOBODY can beat the Heat. If a team is up on the Heat, they’re still going to blow it. Playing the Heat is like racing a hungry Lion to safety, except that right when you get to the finish line you look down and BOOM it’s a treadmill. The Lion catches you and you perish, though you’re grateful you even made it 10 yards (huh?). Anyway, Dwight Howard is irrelevant. Enjoy your offseason losers.

Advertisements