2013 NFL Rant: How Bill Belichick Has Ruined Football

The loose hoodie, that smug smile, his air of scumbag entitlement. Bill Belichick is our worst fucking nightmare. To Jets fans he’s the chilling enemy, to NFL fans worldwide a boring legend. But to the common viewer, Belichick’s brilliant, play-by-my-own-rules approach has made him immortal on the gridiron. And it’s surely taken a hard-knock toll on his likability.

But with three Super Bowl wins, who gives a spygate about likability? The strangely well-tempered coach has hair-model quarterbacks and hoodlum fashion statements to worry about. As much as we wish he’d get tripped by Sal Alosi, we’d prefer another lost season at the New England helm. Sure they’ll rack up points and win the division, but the Pawtucket Pats have about as good a chance fending off the powerhouse teams as a fire hydrant has eluding dog piss.

Known coloquially for spying on opposing teams and looking angry in short shorts (he won a few games during that time), Belichick may never elude the haters. But like rapper Maino, Billy B continues to greet his haters with a simple “hello.”

The man is a revolutionary on the football field, a walking legend. But while he may have earned our respect, the Belichick train will never earn our love. Even if he did cut soon-to-be Jaguar Tim Tebow. At least he’s not Jim Harbaugh, the miserable jaw galloping the 49ers sideline. Remember, the dude who replaced Mike Ditka’s play-calling into an interception for the ’92 Bears. Oh don’t worry, he’s next…

…vomit…

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