The Most Frustrating, Yet Amazing Interview With a Pitcher You’ll Ever Read

Welcome our newest keyboard scriptist, field of dreams insider Thomas M. Watt. His revolutionary mockup of today’s faux pitching interview will keep you clinging to life… 

Thanks Eddy! Tim here with C.J. Cooper, starting pitcher for the Colorado Mud Hounds. He lasted only two-and-a-third innings today, and his outing was a struggle, to say the least. C.J., what happened out there?

C.J. Cooper – Well Tim, it was a rough outing, the heat was beating down on me, but I gave it my best shot. Guess that wasn’t enough today.

Tim – You’re telling me, C.J.! It must be disappointing for you. Zero wins in your last three starts must be pretty heartbreaking.

C.J. Cooper – Yeah… I’m definitely not too thrilled about it.

Tim – Well, at least your shortstop Jose played well for you. Two-for-three with a double, must be fun to watch, huh?

C.J. Cooper – Yeah, for you guys maybe.

Tim – You seem disgruntled?

C.J. Cooper – Disgruntled? I’m sorry, I’m trying my best to have a good attitude. Just frustrated I guess.

Tim – About what? Another bad outing?

C.J. Cooper – Not exactly, Tim. I know you guys love to watch Jose hit, but it’s just not as exciting for me when I see him in the field.

New York Mets SS - José Reyes

New York Mets SS – José Reyes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tim – What are you getting at?

C. J. Cooper – What am I getting at? Are you serious?! The guy’s out there botching every ground ball that comes to him, running straight past the balls he doesn’t want to field, and hell, I even saw him dive feet first for a dribbler! I mean, dammit Tim, are you broadcasters even watching the same game?

Tim – It’s quite unusual to hear the pitcher call out one of his teammates.

C. J. Cooper – Call out one of my teammates? Are you kidding me? The entire pitching staff has a bloated era because our shortstop would rather yell ‘Cunjo’ then field. All he does at the plate is swing at fastballs, and on the rare occasions he does run into one, he stands in the batters box for an extra two seconds, just in case his fly out somehow amounts to a home run. Tim, he’s the worst damn shortstop I have ever seen. Enough with the ‘mama-guevos’, the guy is a flat out piece of garbage.

Image via

Image via

Tim – Strong words from a struggling pitcher.

C.J. Cooper – You know what? I guess it is. I already saw three of my friends get released because that idiot you fools consider a prospect is out there feeling bad about his at bats rather than playing hard. Playing hard, pfft. That guys plays softer than the damn slugs we found in spread today. Why do you want to interview me? To hear about how great Jose is?

Tim – Well, he is the number eight overall prospect in your organization, as rated by Baseball Prospects Journal.

C.J. Cooper – Oh yeah? Great. You know why?

Tim – Why?

C.J. Cooper – ‘Cause idiots like you keep believing that bullshit. I played baseball all my life, Tim, and I had a better shortstop in little league than that guy. Shit, I’d rather have one of the pitchers playin’ behind me. Grab Gonzalez, stick him out there. Watch what happens.

Tim – What would happen?

C.J. Cooper – Groundball – fielded – throw to first – out.

Tim – And what are you suggesting happens with Jose out there?

C. J. Cooper – Groundball – summersalt – cartwheel – ballerina spin – fielded – throw to right field – glove punch – loud rant of, ‘Cunjo, diablo, mamaguevo.’

Tim – That’s pretty harsh.

C.J. Cooper – I wasn’t done Tim. At bat – swings at ball over head – swings at ball in dirt – strikes out – throws bat – throws helmet – sits at end of dugout and doesn’t talk to anyone.

Tim – Are you done?

C. J. Cooper – Sorry, not yet. Postgame interview – reporters on his balls – farm director on his balls – gets called up – goes to big leagues – sucks – fakes injuries – makes more money without doing shit.

Tim – That’s how it goes?

C.J. Cooper – That’s how it always goes.

Tim – Strong words from a non-prospect. Back to you, Eddy!