Just A Day In The Life Of The Miserable Knicks Fan
With the All-Star weekend in full swing, we have more time to scratch our balls and think about what it means to be a fan. In the case of Knicks fans, like our sorry keisters at JockStrap, All-Star Weekend gives us the opportunity to remember that we are just about the biggest fucking suckers alive.
The Knicks fan is a sad creature, equal parts delusion, depression, bitterness, and irrationally bipolar changes in outlook. Here is a look into a day in the life of a Knicks Fan:
8:00 – Wakes up
8:15 – Watches SportsCenter, sees inhumane Knickerbocker replays from the previous night’s loss
8:30 – gets on subway to work at white collar job
8:45 – sees guy in Nets hat, mumbles “fuck your couch”
9:00 – arrives at work and immediately deflects abuse from coworkers about the Knicks trading yet another first-round draft pick for corn
11:00 – checks ESPN New York to see if the coach is fired or if Stephen A. Smith has anything else to yell about
11:02 – finds nothing, tries Twitter instead. Sees exciting trade rumor about star player!
11:03 – …hoax
11:10 – reads scathing tirade by Stephen A. Smith
12:15 – goes on optimistic rant at colleagues over lunch regarding Knicks playoff chances/future prospects/Woodson’s beard
12:45 – remembers how hopeless the Knicks really are, goes into a minor depression. Turns out to be gas, false alarm
2:00 – reads NBAPls to cheer up, succeeds
3:00 – starts checking fantasy lineups for the day. Avoids all Knicks
5:30 – leaves work, drinks heavily, fails heavily
7:00 – is comfortably messed up for start of Knicks game
9:58 – Melo heaves 22-foot, contested piece of shit with 7 seconds remaining down by 2.
9:59 – Knicks lose. Nobody is surprised. Sky is blue.
10:00 – partakes in NBA2K fantasy draft with roommates, third of the day. Takes 0 Knicks.
10:45 – Contemplates burning Knicks apparel.
1:00 – passes out and dreams of James Dolan getting Lou Gehrig’s disease.